Grandma “Rachel, I miss Grandpa.”
Me “I know you do. I miss him, too.”
Grandma *sigh* “He’s not coming back, is he?”
Me *deep breath in* “No, Grandma, he’s not.”
Grandma “Okay.” *looks away tearfully*
Me *tries not to break down*
I’m not gonna be okay for a while. This is so hard.
I couldn’t sleep last night. As I was in bed watching TV this commercial came on. A little boy was running up to an old man saying “Grandpa! Grandpa!” It hit me that I will never get to see Justin do that ever again. And I’ll never get to do that again. I lost it. And started bawling like a baby.
Me and Grandma went to the movies tonight. I’ve not cried because of a movie since I was little, but this one got me. This guy was talking about how he lost his wife and blah blah blah. It just reminded me of Grandpa.
Nothing feels the same. It’s like a part of everyone is gone. The house doesn’t feel the same. It doesn’t sound the same. Because it’s not the same. I’ll be okay. Then I’ll get sudden waves of sadness. I don’t deal well with things like this.
It’s like my life didn’t suck enough already. Mom went to the vet today. They may have to put Chance down. It’s just one shitty thing after another. It’s only January and already 2012 is sucking balls.
This one time I wished I looked like Audrey Hepburn.
Today was so much harder than I thought it was going to be. It all still doesn’t feel real. I can’t believe it happened. I keep hoping I will wake up and it will all just have been a dream.
I wasn’t ready for this. They said it would happen, but I was still not fully prepared. We weren’t ready for him to leave yet. But he got taken away from us. I’m terrible at goodbyes. Especially such sudden ones. I’m still in shock. I don’t know how to handle this. We can’t make it without you. You were the greatest, wisest, sweetest man I’ve ever known. You were our rock. We’re going to miss you soooo much. We’ll always love you.
Insomnia. You’re killing meee.
(Source: staypozitive, via w0rth-something-different)
This is me. I hardly ever wear makeup and most of the time my hair is a mess. But sometimes I’m ok with that. This is one of those times.
All I’ve wanted to do the past few days is sleep.
And sleep.
And sleep.
No matter how long I’ve slept, I’m still tired.
I go back to work tomorrow. Though I’ll be happy to be making money again, I can’t say I’m looking forward to going back.
Nothing seems to satisfy me as of late. I don’t know why.
So, I’ll continue to stay in my bed and sleep.
And sleep.
And sleep.
A new year. A new me. This year I’m going to try my best to be different. No more caring what people think and worrying about everyone else. Taking care of everyone and doing everything for everyone. This year is about me. I’m putting myself first. I don’t really care if that is selfish. Because this year is about not caring, remember? I’m tired of not being appreciated by anyone. Doing everything and getting nothing back. I’m also ending my quest for a relationship. Fuck it. No one can love me like I can love myself. So it’s not even worth it. This should probably be a happy post. Full of resolutions and things I want to do this year. But I’m just ready for a change.
Basically.
(Source: Flickr / theaciddreamspaceship, via warcries-for-lullabies)
We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all.
